My first five years of life were the best. I spent them in the safety of Grandma Bell's house being spoiled and loved. The years that followed were not as pretty. It's taken me years to get to this point, but I now talk about it freely. I grew up in a home of abuse. The shame of that was overwhelming in my younger years. I now know it wasn't my fault. My dad was a sick man and needed help he never received. Don't feel pity for me. I don't. I feel liberated. Tough. Amazingly strong.
I've always combated my demons with food and laughter. I'll eat my way out of it and when I can't I'll make you laugh. Inside I'm a mess. I'm depressed. I hate me. I feel worthless and lost. Many times standing in a crowd with a smile on my face I feel like I'm circling the drain.
Suicide has crossed my mind a thousand times. I've truly believed that if I left no one would care. Had I not been involved in church to hear the hellfire and brimstone sermons I probably would have ended my life years ago. I've been trapped in fear and shame. In lonliness and insecurity. I can't honestly tell you what's held me back from suicide other than the fiery pits of hell forever frightens me.
It's a dark road to be on. The plights of depression. To see and feel no hope. To know you're not wanted. To be rejected. As easily as I love, I hate. I'm constantly riddled with emotion. I'm a sensitive soul. When I hurt, I hurt deeply and I struggle to move past it.
My heart aches for those affected by the loss of Robin Williams. I hurt over the loss. I never met him, but it was evident what a beautiful human being he was. It's also a true testament of the demons we all face. Some of us are able to battle it differently and some of us succumb to the pressure.
I don't know where his soul is. I know I was taught that suicide is a sin and you will go to hell. Deep in my heart I pray he had a chance to get right with The Lord. I'll never know. This world lost a genius. A true genuine and caring human being. It baffles my mind to think there are truly evil people who have not a care and never feel pain for what they've done, but those who truly give and love find ending their life the answer.
Do I feel suicidal? Not today. Am I depressed? Yes, nearly everyday. I'm lonely. I'm insecure. I'm seeking someone to make me feel whole and that will never happen. Do I want inner peace? Yes more than anything.
I encourage you all to not judge the sensitive soul. We aren't weak. We aren't dumb. We just feel more deeply than most. Understand that we don't possess the ability to just get over it. And without expressing ourselves we would fall to our demons quicker. Let us be ourselves and love us anyways, it's really all we want.
God speed Robin. I pray you found your peace....
I lost my daddy to suicide a year and a half ago. He was depressed, my mom left him just months after I got married, he had a lot of money trouble. I suffer with depression, you are so right - don't judge. People have no idea. Just remember your kids love you and need you!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Nel. For such a terrible loss. And I'm hanging tough!
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