a lonely exile.
It's a terrible place to be. The constant searching. The need to be wanted. The desire to have someone. To be two united as one.
I like my solitude. I like time to myself. I like moments where I can reflect, create, and write. I like doing what I like and not answering to anyone. But I also like time of togetherness and passion. My ideals of a relationship are skewed. I think a relationship is grounded in fear. Fear of losing that person over petty things like razors and hair dye. Fear of who they talk to when you're not around. Fear of not being enough. Fear of rejection. In my mind I'm afraid I'll never be good enough.
It's possible to be lonely in a relationship. To feel isolated and lost. I was lonely for eight years. And afraid. I'm afraid now.
I hate dating. It's the most ridiculous institution on the planet. I'm more straight forward. If I like you I like you. I'm terribly insecure and nervous. And I come across as a neurotic woman. I'm ok with neurotic in my comfort zone. There's a certain kind of joy in being crazy. It just doesn't work well in dating.
I'm in a new chapter in my life. But I'm not all that excited about it. As stupid as I think dating is, I really want to date. But I'm not sure I can. I'll always know that there's someone skinnier, prettier, quiter, and saner than I am.
My kids are down the hall sleeping. They were with him all weekend. They need that. But it's a terrible time for me. To be surrounded by the quiet. I spend most of that time laying on the couch while my mind races on. I'm ok with me on most levels. But dark parts of me are back. The ones that feel hopeless and alone.
Today I went to work. I laughed. I talked. I soaked up the fantasticness that is my friends. I made salsa with one of my favorite women. Then I came home. That's when the sadness comes. I'm so out of place here. This isn't my home anymore. I walk into this house feeling the weight of fear settle over me. I need out. I need freedom. And I need someone.
Once again today I was riddled with criticism. Hearing how I'm nothing. How I just stand with my hand out to take money. How no man will want me because I'm trash, unless it's some drunk thief. Hearing how I'm allowed to do this and not do that. I'm a liar and a whore. And he can't wait until I'm dead.
It wears on you. Destroys pieces of you each day. And the longer you go with no one, the more truth you see in those words. It must be true. My phone is silent. There's no one there. I'll continue on this path of nothingness...it's scary. What if I enter another terrible relationship because I'm lonely? I can't do this again. I'll be so blinded by the security of not being alone and I'll let them tear me down.
I'd give anything for peace. For contentment. For there to be no lonliness. I'm sad tonight. I'm sitting in my chair afraid to go to bed. It's lonely there.
It's not your eyes
It's not what you say
It's not your laughter
That gives you away
You're just lonely
You've been lonely, too long
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