Moving forward

Today was the day. Eight years, three kids, two cars, a house, and tons of life lessons over and done with. I'm not sure what I feel. I think deep inside there's a sadness. Sadness over the failure. Sadness over the change. There's alot of fear. Where will I live? How will I handle holidays alone? Will my kids be so messed up from this they never have a normal stable relationship? Are they going to hate me? Am I going to be alone forever?

When I was a little girl I always pretended to be married. It was my favorite thing to play. I had it planned out. He was going to be devoted to me. And love me. He was going to think I was the most beautiful woman on the planet. He would never be interested in anyone but me. And we would grow old together. I carried a lot of expectations into my marriage. 

It was never anything I thought it would be. It's not magical. It's not easy. It's rarely romantic. Marriage is hard. It's a journey. Ever changing. It takes years to build and an instant to destroy. Getting it back after infidelity or other forms of mistrust is often impossible. 

I don't regret it. I've learned so much. About men. About marriage. And most importantly about myself. I'm a remarkably forgiving and resilient person. At times I've thought I was weak and worthless. I am not. I've withstood the storm. I've let it damage me. I will wear those scars with pride, knowing I didn't let it kill me. I won't settle. 

I hate that my kids hurt. I hate that he hurts. I hate that others around us hurt. I hate being the outcast. The ex. The used to be friend. I hate that people choose sides. I hate that they tattle like children. I hate that they push you away. 

Today is the end of some things. The beginning of others. I'm terrified that the lonliness will swallow me. I'm terrified I will always believe that my body is what keeps me from finding love. I'm afraid my knight in shining armour, who will teach me love is real, will never come. I'm afraid I'll never feel whole. 

To those who have walked away from me, treated me as an outcast, ran your mouth, called me names, and betrayed me during this; to you I say fuck you. I will walk away from the pain you've caused me and I will never give you another thought. 

To those of you have carried me, prayed with me, wiped my tears, called, showed up and listened; thank you. Your kindness and love are what have kept me from going insane. 

To my OB girls. My love for you knows no end. You have been my sounding board. My strength. My laughter. My advisors. Thank you for being my family. For accepting me as I am. For sticking up for me and for your encouragement. 

To my darling Christine. The very first day I met you was epic. Today you came to sit beside me in court. To tell me that it was ok. And to ask me if I sprayed froo froo spray in the bathroom because if I didn't my, "hoohah must smell good." That's always important....I will love you always. 

I will be ok. I am ok. I'm divorced and slightly crazy.