Change sucks

Nothing ever stays the same. It's both a blessing and a curse. Sometimes I like change. I'm learning to embrace it. And sometimes it just sucks. I have to be dragged kicking and screaming while I'm grasping to hang on to where I want to stay. 

Three years ago I started working on a labor and delivery unit. I love my job. I'm not foolish enough to believe it will always be secure, but I love it. It's a tough crowd sometimes and you have to earn your keep. Those girls are tough. Rock solid. And their family. My family. 

In November of 2011 my dad suddenly passed away. I had only been working on L&D for a few months. I hadn't earned my keep yet. My dads death was hard. Unexpected. And I had a lot if emotions to deal with from my childhood. It's at those times when a small gesture means so much. During the visitation I turned to find a coworker coming to find me. A woman I barely knew who lived over an hour away. That simple act of kindness created a bond I hope to never lose. 

This is my friend Stephanie, but I call her Melton. I love this woman. She was the only one from work that came at one of the most traumatic times of my life. I know the others were busy and I was new. But Melton came. Just to be kind, and because that's what she does. She shows up to help. She cooks. She gives the most fantastic lip balm at Christmas. And she makes me laugh. 

I've learned tons from Steph. She has the best stories about life. She taught me how to make the best pie crust I've ever ate. I'm learning to be a more relaxed parent. And that worrying is futile. Life will continue whether I worry or not. And I've learned bunions are a problem. 

Melton is leaving our unit. Moving on to a job that fits her life better. She'll still be in the hospital. She's still going to cover shifts. But I'm freaking out. She's leaving! Whose going to make me pie?! Where am I going to get parenting advice?! Whose going to make me laugh?! This is the change I hate. It's like my family is moving away. I'm happy that she'll be happy, but I don't want her to go.

In reality I know that friendships aren't over because someone switches jobs. And that change is inevitable. But I also know I'm gonna cry like a baby and probably cling to her leg begging her to stay. 

More change is coming. More people will enter my life and then move on to something else. Life will go on. I don't always have to like it, but I might as well accep it.

My favorite Melton-ism: "Amy, lower your standards of cleanliness. You'll feel better." 

A lonely exile

Lonliness....destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship,intercourse, support, etc.:

a lonely exile.

It's a terrible place to be. The constant searching. The need to be wanted. The desire to have someone. To be two united as one. 

I like my solitude. I like time to myself. I like moments where I can reflect, create, and write. I like doing what I like and not answering to anyone. But I also like time of togetherness and passion. My ideals of a relationship are skewed. I think a relationship is grounded in fear. Fear of losing that person over petty things like razors and hair dye. Fear of who they talk to when you're not around. Fear of not being enough. Fear of rejection. In my mind I'm afraid I'll never be good enough. 

It's possible to be lonely in a relationship. To feel isolated and lost. I was lonely for eight years. And afraid. I'm afraid now. 

I hate dating. It's the most ridiculous institution on the planet. I'm more straight forward. If I like you I like you. I'm terribly insecure and nervous. And I come across as a neurotic woman. I'm ok with neurotic in my comfort zone. There's a certain kind of joy in being crazy. It just doesn't work well in dating. 

I'm in a new chapter in my life. But I'm not all that excited about it. As stupid as I think dating is, I really want to date. But I'm not sure I can. I'll always know that there's someone skinnier, prettier, quiter, and saner than I am. 

My kids are down the hall sleeping. They were with him all weekend. They need that. But it's a terrible time for me. To be surrounded by the quiet. I spend most of that time laying on the couch while my mind races on. I'm ok with me on most levels. But dark parts of me are back. The ones that feel hopeless and alone. 

Today I went to work. I laughed. I talked. I soaked up the fantasticness that is my friends. I made salsa with one of my favorite women. Then I came home. That's when the sadness comes. I'm so out of place here. This isn't my home anymore. I walk into this house feeling the weight of fear settle over me. I need out. I need freedom. And I need someone. 

Once again today I was riddled with criticism. Hearing how I'm nothing. How I just stand with my hand out to take money. How no man will want me because I'm trash, unless it's some drunk thief. Hearing how I'm allowed to do this and not do that. I'm a liar and a whore. And he can't wait until I'm dead. 

It wears on you. Destroys pieces of you each day. And the longer you go with no one, the more truth you see in those words. It must be true. My phone is silent. There's no one there. I'll continue on this path of nothingness...it's scary. What if I enter another terrible relationship because I'm lonely? I can't do this again. I'll be so blinded by the security of not being alone and I'll let them tear me down. 

I'd give anything for peace. For contentment. For there to be no lonliness. I'm sad tonight. I'm sitting in my chair afraid to go to bed. It's lonely there. 

http://youtu.be/yJbmXvBJhCs

It's not your eyes

It's not what you say

It's not your laughter

That gives you away

You're just lonely

You've been lonely, too long

The stars that shine

I've wept over a man I didn't know. I've whispered prayers for his soul. I'm stunned, shocked, and bereft. And I understand. 

My first five years of life were the best. I spent them in the safety of Grandma Bell's house being spoiled and loved. The years that followed were not as pretty. It's taken me years to get to this point, but I now talk about it freely. I grew up in a home of abuse. The shame of that was overwhelming in my younger years. I now know it wasn't my fault. My dad was a sick man and needed help he never received. Don't feel pity for me. I don't. I feel liberated. Tough. Amazingly strong. 

I've always combated my demons with food and laughter. I'll eat my way out of it and when I can't I'll make you laugh. Inside I'm a mess. I'm depressed. I hate me. I feel worthless and lost. Many times standing in a crowd with a smile on my face I feel like I'm circling the drain. 

Suicide has crossed my mind a thousand times. I've truly believed that if I left no one would care. Had I not been involved in church to hear the hellfire and brimstone sermons I probably would have ended my life years ago. I've been trapped in fear and shame. In lonliness and insecurity. I can't honestly tell you what's held me back from suicide other than the fiery pits of hell forever frightens me. 

It's a dark road to be on. The plights of depression. To see and feel no hope. To know you're not wanted. To be rejected. As easily as I love, I hate. I'm constantly riddled with emotion. I'm a sensitive soul.  When I hurt, I hurt deeply and I struggle to move past it. 

My heart aches for those affected by the loss of Robin Williams. I hurt over the loss. I never met him, but it was evident what a beautiful human being he was. It's also a true testament of the demons we all face. Some of us are able to battle it differently and some of us succumb to the pressure. 

I don't know where his soul is. I know I was taught that suicide is a sin and you will go to hell. Deep in my heart I pray he had a chance to get right with The Lord. I'll never know. This world lost a genius. A true genuine and caring human being. It baffles my mind to think there are truly evil people who have not a care and never feel pain for what they've done, but those who truly give and love find ending their life the answer. 

Do I feel suicidal? Not today. Am I depressed? Yes, nearly everyday. I'm lonely. I'm insecure. I'm seeking someone to make me feel whole and that will never happen. Do I want inner peace? Yes more than anything. 

I encourage you all to not judge the sensitive soul. We aren't weak. We aren't dumb. We just feel more deeply than most. Understand that we don't possess the ability to just get over it. And without expressing ourselves we would fall to our demons quicker. Let us be ourselves and love us anyways, it's really all we want. 

God speed Robin. I pray you found your peace.... 

http://youtu.be/69v3usAk8oA

Ripples in the pond

Each day is a new beginning. Each word spoken can change a life. Each action can affect the lives of many. Each opportunity for kindness should be grasped and exhausted. We have the power to change the world. 

I often view myself as a tiny speck in life. Mostly I think that's true. The world is vast and diverse. And I don't even know if I'm noticed. Sometimes that's a good thing. 

When I was in my early twenties my Grandma Bell told me that when she was younger she prayed everyday that she would be a blessing. Her life was a true testament of Christian love. And pure kindness. No one left her home hungry, cold, or feeling unloved. She was my blessing and savior. When she left this earth a piece of my soul went with her. The lessons she taught me are too numerous to mention but are evident in my everyday life. 

I'm a succer for people. I have a very soft heart and a sensitive personality. I forgive too easily at times. And can be naive to what people really are. But I love to give. I love to care. I love to love. 

I met a woman a few months ago. She was in a terrible place in life. Addicted. Lost. Afraid. I've seen the power of addiction in others and the destruction it causes. I believe it's a life long battle but it can be won. I've seen that too. I can be very judgemental, especially of mothers who choose drugs over their children. I'm not sure what made me full of compassion for this woman, but I felt the overwhelming need to offer her support. 

As we talked about life and the choices we make I knew she needed prayer. I asked if I could pray over her. Even if she'd said no I'd have found a place to pray and lay her at the Lord's feet. I prayed for that woman. I told her she was better than the situation she was in and she could change it. I never saw her again. She never came back. I've thought of her often wondering where life had taken her. 

Today I ran into her and I didn't recognize her. She stopped in passing and said, "Excuse me. Do you remember me? You prayed for me." I was blown away. I can't even describe the emotion that filled me. She's clean, happy, working, and attending church. She told me that she hoped she'd see me again some day to say thank you. And that she knew God could do anything. 

I am filled with so much joy for her. I am shocked that my simple prayer held so much meaning for her. I didn't do anything. I know that praying for her was at God's leading. I am constantly amazed at the little ways He works. I may never see her again, but her life touched mine. I'm so humbled to have been used in her life. 

I, like my grandma, hope I'm a blessing. I hope no one ever leaves my company hungry, cold, or feeling unloved. I pray that I use the opportunities God gives me. And I hope I never become prideful in my abilities. 

Be kind. Be compassionate. Love one another. You never know when one simple act will help change a person's life. 

Moving forward

Today was the day. Eight years, three kids, two cars, a house, and tons of life lessons over and done with. I'm not sure what I feel. I think deep inside there's a sadness. Sadness over the failure. Sadness over the change. There's alot of fear. Where will I live? How will I handle holidays alone? Will my kids be so messed up from this they never have a normal stable relationship? Are they going to hate me? Am I going to be alone forever?

When I was a little girl I always pretended to be married. It was my favorite thing to play. I had it planned out. He was going to be devoted to me. And love me. He was going to think I was the most beautiful woman on the planet. He would never be interested in anyone but me. And we would grow old together. I carried a lot of expectations into my marriage. 

It was never anything I thought it would be. It's not magical. It's not easy. It's rarely romantic. Marriage is hard. It's a journey. Ever changing. It takes years to build and an instant to destroy. Getting it back after infidelity or other forms of mistrust is often impossible. 

I don't regret it. I've learned so much. About men. About marriage. And most importantly about myself. I'm a remarkably forgiving and resilient person. At times I've thought I was weak and worthless. I am not. I've withstood the storm. I've let it damage me. I will wear those scars with pride, knowing I didn't let it kill me. I won't settle. 

I hate that my kids hurt. I hate that he hurts. I hate that others around us hurt. I hate being the outcast. The ex. The used to be friend. I hate that people choose sides. I hate that they tattle like children. I hate that they push you away. 

Today is the end of some things. The beginning of others. I'm terrified that the lonliness will swallow me. I'm terrified I will always believe that my body is what keeps me from finding love. I'm afraid my knight in shining armour, who will teach me love is real, will never come. I'm afraid I'll never feel whole. 

To those who have walked away from me, treated me as an outcast, ran your mouth, called me names, and betrayed me during this; to you I say fuck you. I will walk away from the pain you've caused me and I will never give you another thought. 

To those of you have carried me, prayed with me, wiped my tears, called, showed up and listened; thank you. Your kindness and love are what have kept me from going insane. 

To my OB girls. My love for you knows no end. You have been my sounding board. My strength. My laughter. My advisors. Thank you for being my family. For accepting me as I am. For sticking up for me and for your encouragement. 

To my darling Christine. The very first day I met you was epic. Today you came to sit beside me in court. To tell me that it was ok. And to ask me if I sprayed froo froo spray in the bathroom because if I didn't my, "hoohah must smell good." That's always important....I will love you always. 

I will be ok. I am ok. I'm divorced and slightly crazy. 

Wisdom of the ages...

I over analyze everything. I love to hear what others think, and I constantly want others opinions and advice. I may not follow it, but I want to hear it. 

I was blessed with a crazy family. On both sides. And they aren't shy about giving you their advice. I have fantastic friends too...they aren't shy either. Here's some of my favorite advice. 

1. You knew what I was when you picked me up

My daddy always told me a story when I was frustrated with my own choices. It goes like this: 

A man was at the top of a mountain getting ready to go down. A snake lying on the ground said, "Sir it's such a long way down. Will you carry me to the bottom?" The man thought and said, "No, you will bite me." The snake responded, "Oh no sir, if you help me I promise I won't bite you." So the man picked up the snake a carried him to the bottom of the mountain. When the man sat the snake on the ground it turned and bit him. "Why did you do that?! You promised you wouldn't!" The man yelled. The snake replied, "You knew what I was when you picked me up."

This story has proved to be true in so many things in life. Dating, friends, jobs...so many times we make unwise choices and get upset by it even though we knew what the outcome would be. Be careful of what you pick up. 

2. Never date a man you wouldn't marry

My dad had three sisters. We call them the twisted sisters. They LOVE to tell you how to live your life. Sometimes it's disturbing, sometimes it's amazing advice.

When my cousins and I reached dating age my Aunt Pat always said, "Never date a man you wouldn't marry." I thought this was the dumbest thing I had ever heard. But there is a lot of truth in that statement. We meet someone. We start dating. Getting to know someone takes time but it rarely gets taken. So many times we jump right in to a relationship and get serious before we should. 

I don't regret my marriage. It's given me three amazing children and taught me a lot about myself. But I jumped in. I wanted to be loved so badly and to be married. I can't say what would have happened if things would have went slower. Maybe we wouldn't have ended up here. 

I will tell my girls this advice. And  my Johnnie too...don't date someone you wouldn't want to spend the rest of your life with. Date someone who treats you with respect, sacrifices for you, worships with you, has the same values as you, and most of all loves you completely. If they don't meet your standards move on. Never ever settle for less. 

3. You are who you hang with

More advice from the twisted sisters...

I like people most of the time. I trust too easy and get burned. When I was younger I was impressionable. If my friends wanted me to do it I usually did because I was afraid of the rejection. It's easy to get caught up in your situation and surroundings. 

I didn't realize how important it was to guard yourself until I had my own kids. I'm scared for the people they will meet in their life. And I hope I raise them with enough sense to be true to God and themselves. 

Scripture says: 

• Proverbs 12:26

  A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.
  
  
• It's human nature to be like those around you I think. For the first time in my life I'm learning the value of true friendship. And I want to be with God fearing, honest, kind friends. And I'm learning sometimes it's better to cut unhealthy relationships out of your life.

4. Don't flog a dead horse

My Uncle Ken is the best man I've ever known. I truly believe God gave him to me to save me. If I'd have been given a choice for a dad he'd have been the man I picked. He's a rock solid Christian man. Works hard. He's usually pretty quiet but when he speaks it has a lot of meaning. 

He's notorious for responding to situations with one sentence. My favorite is, "don't flog a dead horse." 

I suck at letting go. I dwell on things. I worry. I ponder. I hang on with every single fiber of my being. It gets me no where. I just need to stop. You can't fix some things. Sometimes it's just better to let things be.

5. Either change it or love yourself

This is a new one. Just recently said to me by a complete stranger. He was funny and nice. We bonded over karaoke. As we watched the crowd around us and picked out songs we chatted about life. I'm a very open person and have a tendency to cut myself down. During one of my self critical moments he said, "Let me give you some advice. Either change it or love yourself." I was blown away. It wasn't anything I hadn't heard before, but this time it changed me. 

I'm not stunning but I'm pretty. My skin sags. I'm big. I'm talking big. It's not attractive. Or at least that's what's been drilled in my head. I so often feel like I'm not good enough. And that no matter what good there is in me there will be no one who sees past my faults. I'm not a 100% on the loving me yet, but im working on it. 

I'll never see that man again. But I'll never forget him. Ever. His words changed my life. It was a chance encounter and now a favorite memory. I love those moments in life. The ones that just happen and take you by surprise. 

There it is. A few words. Things that have stuck with me. Stories I tell. Advice that has stuck with me. I may never be considered wise. I may never follow the advice I'm given. But I have learned a few things and I will learn a few more. And I will try to live a good life.