My unwanted pregnancy

In June of 2012 I gave birth to the most fantastic fireball I have ever met. And I didn't want her. 

My marriage had just come out of a terrible storm. We had agreed, no more children. We had a boy and a girl. Our youngest was working on potty training. They each had there own room in our house. Our car was just the right size. Life was just how we wanted it. 

Then I was pregnant. Unexpectedly. Unwantedly. Pregnant. I'm ashamed to admit this now, but I was devastated. I was sobbing so hard when I called my husband he could barely understand me. This baby was going to ruin everything. 

Some of my inlaws told us we were stupid for having a baby. Some family we didn't even tell because I was too embarassed to hear their negativity. Heck I was negative about it. 

I am the most miserable pregnant woman EVER. I'm crabby. Everything hurts. I can't poop. I'm tired. I can't sleep on my stomach. My anxiety is out of control. And I didn't want to do it. WHY ME LORD?!

And The Lord said: 

Psalm 127:3-5 

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

About 2 months into the pregnancy the guilt hit. How could I not want the blessing I was about to receive? Not once but three times my body held a life. Nurtured a life. Birthed a life. There are women who never get to experience that. Who never know what pregnancy heartburn is like. Who are never kept awake at night by baby hiccups. And God chose me to do that. 

By the end of the pregnancy I was excited. Smothered again by every pink thing imaginable. I swore she was never coming. And that I couldn't make it to the end. A friend even prayed for me to have endurance. I almost killed him. 

On June 16, 2012 Shelbie Jaymes made her appearance. She had all this chocolate brown hair and fat rolls everywhere. I was instantly in love. I didn't even know how bad I needed her until that moment. And I'm so thankful for that blessing. 

All of this layed on my heart after the Hobby Lobby ruling. I'm not a supporter of abortion. I'm not a supporter of Plan B. As much as I was overwhelmed by my last pregnancy it never occurred to me to end it. Pregnancy, children, adoption, family; all of these things are a blessing. Not something you throw away. 

Do I want to do it again? NO! I even threatened to handcuff myself to my bed unless they gave me a tubal before I left the hospital. Am I glad I had her? More than words can ever say. Am I ashamed of how I felt about my pregnancy? Yes. Our society has taken the worth of pregnancy down to something that you throw away. If you didn't want to be pregnant, no worries. Take this pill. Have the surgery. And your fixed. It's a shame. 

And The Lord said: 

John 16:21 

When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world.