Schizophrenic chihuahuas and The Lord

I'm a nut. An all out anxiety ridden nut. I panic over everything. I'm scared of my own shadow. I'm wild and rough around the edges. You either like me or you don't. And if you don't, I panic over the rejection. 

I asked The Lord for my salvation as a child. I often wonder if children understand salvation and the calling of The Lord. The Bible tells us Samuel was a child when he heard The Lord's voice. The Lord calls you when He's ready. 

I knew I wanted Jesus as my savior. My childhood had some dark secrets. I was abused. Many nights I lay in my bed praying for protection. I knew that feeling of peace washing over me. I knew His voice.

As I grew into a young adult, God's calling on my life wasn't as important as fitting in. Worldly things became the center of my life. Like many of my friends I chose a path of alcohol, promiscuity, profanity, etc. 

God has a purpose for me. I don't know what it is. I just know that He has saved me. Time and time again. When I should have been a sunk ship, he's pulled me back to shore. 

During a particularly low point in my life I found myself on the floor face down in the carpet yelling at God. Asking, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" That's when it happened. A God moment. One of those ones that makes every hair stand up and knocks the wind right out of you. I heard The Lord speak to me.

 

God pressed the words, "Be still" into my heart. I didn't know it at the time. Because I mean really who "hears" The Lord, right? A few days later while browsing a resale shop a framed cross stitch caught my eye. I literally stood dumbfounded at the shelf for at least five minutes. It contained this verse: 

Apparently when God needs you to listen, He's not above putting his point in ugly cross stitch. I bought it, took it home, and hung it on my wall. It's still one of my most treasured possessions. 

I've often described myself as a schizophrenic chihuahua. God has me on his leash and gives me some freedom. For the most part I do ok. Then every once in a while I go a little nuts and The Lord has to yank on my leash to get me to shut up and be still. 

Again, I'm in some dark days. I HATE it. I feel like there is no end. Like I'm trapped in this junk for.ev.er. I'm at the end of my leash snarling, barking, and trying to break free. I need to be still. God does things in his time. Which is ridiculously slow. (He knows how I feel about that.) 

And The Lord said:

To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory.

Isaiah 61:3