Today hasn't been terrible. We stayed at home. Watched some movies. Played. Just a doing nothing kind of day. I love those. This evening Shiloh was in the parade. The shirt she was supposed to wear was at her dad's. No biggie. When we parked our car it was at the end of the parade route. We had to walk to the beginning of the route. I had all three kids and Shelbie's legs were apparently not working. Again, no biggie. This is all normal stuff. And certainly nothing to be overwhelmed with.
A little ways into the parade, while trying to smile and wave it struck me how alone I was. Nothing like being in a crowd of a bazillion people and coming to the realization that you have no one of your own.
I have my kids. Don't question my love for them. Every part of every day is for them. I'm not perfect. My parenting style is quite unorthodox. And quite frankly, I have no clue what I'm doing. I just make it up as I go along.
I'm still alone. I crave someone. Someone that's all mine. That wants me. All of my life I've wanted to be somebody's. I spent many a day as a child pretending how it would be when I was in love. I was let down.
Relationships are hard. Love hurts. I once had a friend recovering from addiction tell me the main problem with life is, "feelings suck." No truer words have ever been spoken.
I want to be loved. I have myself convinced I'm not worthy of love. I don't keep my car clean enough. I'm cluttery. I like to dye my hair. I whine. I do NOT do mornings. I want all of those things to not matter.
I want someone to pray with and pray over me. I want someone to hold my hand. I want someone to seek me out. Put me first. I want someone to be proud of me. I want someone who will NEVER seek out the attention of another woman. I want someone who will feed my need for attention. Who will buy me shiny things. Who will listen to my non stop chattering. Who will let me be my wild crazy self and love me anyways. Someone who makes me feel sexy and desirable. And someone who is tough enough to handle my hellaciously pissed of self.
Most of all I want someone to pick me. Not settle until something better comes their way. Or settle because no other man would want me so they're safe in that area. I want someone to see something so special in me that they work at a relationship with me.
My pity party is in full swing. I'm lonely. Yes, I know it's too soon. Yes, I know I have Jesus. He picked me. He loves me. He's tough enough to handle me. But I still want someone. I want butterflies. I want to be so in love with someone we make others gag with our lovey doviness. I want to hear someone whisper my name like it's the last word they'll ever get to say. (Pardon me, I've read too many romance novels.)
I leave you with this. Have you ever noticed that there is a song for EVERY moment in your life? As I was driving home tonight these song lyrics popped into my head....
I hope it's soon...
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