I quit

I've thought a lot about this blog. Whether I should or shouldn't. Who will be mad and who won't. Quite frankly I don't want to care. But I do. I'm a people pleaser. I'm afraid of criticism of any kind. What if I just quit?

I'm tired of quitting. Of backing away. Of giving up. Recently some friendships have taken a battering due to the whole divorce thing. It doesn't just affect your home. It affects your kids, your extended family, your friends, your church, and on a particularly stressful day, the gas station attendant. It's exhausting. So I quit.

I quit singing. I quit talking. Which is weird for me. I quit participating. I quit being friends. I quit being nice. I just quit. 

Church has been the hardest. It's scary. You feel like every eye is on you. And it kind of is. You hear rumors about yourself. You feel stupid. Like you are a huge peice of dirt marring the pew in the holiest of holies....

Before I go any further I just want to say I have a wonderful church family. People who are genuinely concerned. A church family that welcomes you with open arms. I'm just struggling...

I used to wake up excited to go to church. There's nothing better than worshipping with a congregation. The fellowship of God's children is amazing. But now I get sick when I think about going. I feel like I'm a thorn in the church. A rotten apple. I feel like I don't fit, like I don't belong anymore. I've prayed about quitting. Asked for guidance. I've said I'm not going back. But I still go. I sit and listen to the music, but I don't feel it. I listen to the sermon, but I'm empty. 

Then today I came across a song, and for the first time in weeks I felt it. Like someone took the thoughts from my head and wrote them to music. I almost didn't share it, but I really felt I should.

http://youtu.be/DP0u56MKs0I

So there it is. I'm sure I'll meditate and reflect in this song. Listening to it over and over like a constant prayer. Time heals all wounds they say. And I hope that it does. I hope those around me that are affected by my divorce give forgiveness. I hope I can give forgiveness to those I feel have betrayed me. And most of all I hope I feel like I belong again. Right smack dab in the middle of church. 

The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears are open to their cry. —Psalm 34:15