I cry when I see new dads shedding tears over their new babies. I cry when someone dies, even if I don't know them. I cried when the Cardinals won the World Series and I cried when they didn't. Recently during a very stressful time for some coworkers I lost it in the elevator over the show if support for them. I'm a ridiculous crier.
Lately I cry all the time. I'm having some dark dark days. I try for a happy face, but I'm not good at guarding my emotions. What I feel is written all over my face. It's these times that I feel alone. People will fail you. They're only human. It's also these times I feel so far from God. I think he forgot me. That he doesn't love me. I can't see his plans for my life, so it's probably going to suck, right?
I can tell you at this moment I'm not full of hope. I can say I've seen God's hands in my life so many times. Those God moments where you just know He totally did that. I KNOW I've heard His voice. But I feel blocked, shut off, and quite frankly I'm having a three year old tantrum at God right now.
Recently I've been given scripture at random points. Scripture that totally is speaking to me. I was particularly touched by one this week.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalms 34:18
That's me crushed. Ran over by a Mack truck. Lost in my own pity feeling so far from God. And there it is in His word. He's close. And he'll save me. I cried. I cried for what I've lost. For what I haven't lost. For the things to come. For the fear of dying alone. Of never hearing "I love you." Of never being able to say that to someone. Of the fear of not having control of my future. I just cried. It's healing. It's a moment of weakness and vulnerability. And it's opening my heart to the God who has saved me and who will save me from my crushed spirit.
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