Thigh gaps and back fat

I wore a swimming suit in public....and I'm just a shocked as you. I read a blog post on the internet this week about wearing a swimming suit in public in front of your daughters. This frightened me. I'm talking deep down freaked me out.

Picture it. I'm in the car with the kids at the lake. There are a handful of people on the beach. I'm in my swimming suit with my cover up on. I've talked to myself all day saying, "you can do this!" But at this moment there is no air in my lungs. I'm seeing spots and pretty sure I'm hyperventilating. I'm probably going to die! It's like the walk of shame down to the beach. I just know the entire free world has stopped what their doing to watch me and collectively *gasp* at me. 

When did I become so afraid of someone seeing me? My swimming suit is modest. But I'm a big girl. I've got rolls and bumps in places I shouldn't. My thighs have never had a gap and now sag in spots and my veins are showing. I've got back fat...

And when did I'm become so insecure that I believe everyone has time to pay attention to me? That my flaws take precedence over the lives of others so much so that they ignore their own busyness to check me out. (For the record I HATE narcissim.)

So to this I say phooey! I've always been a big girl. But I'm not ugly. I'm funny. I'm nice. I can cook an awesome dinner. I've got too many freckles but they make for an interesting game of connect the dots. My feet are huge but I need a solid foundation. My arms have wings but their strong enough to carry my children. My belly sags but that's because three kids have pushed it out of shape. I'm not the kind of woman every man drools after but I'm not sure I want to be. So I rocked my bathing suit and hopefully made a positive impact on my kids self esteem. 

(And to the smokin hot chick who showed up in a bikini, I'll pray for you. Eat some cake girlfriend)

Crying is for babies

I'm a weeper. An all out, snot running down my face, awful noise making weeper. And if you decide to comfort me I will unapologetically blow snot on your shirt. Be warned. 

I cry when I see new dads shedding tears over their new babies. I cry when someone dies, even if I don't know them. I cried when the Cardinals won the World Series and I cried when they didn't. Recently during a very stressful time for some coworkers I lost it in the elevator over the show if support for them. I'm a ridiculous crier. 

Lately I cry all the time. I'm having some dark dark days. I try for a happy face, but I'm not good at guarding my emotions. What I feel is written all over my face. It's these times that I feel alone. People will fail you. They're only human. It's also these times I feel so far from God. I think he forgot me. That he doesn't love me. I can't see his plans for my life, so it's probably going to suck, right? 

I can tell you at this moment I'm not full of hope. I can say I've seen God's hands in my life so many times. Those God moments where you just know He totally did that. I KNOW I've heard His voice. But I feel blocked, shut off, and quite frankly I'm having a three year old tantrum at God right now.

Recently I've been given scripture at random points. Scripture that totally is speaking to me. I was particularly touched by one this week. 

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalms 34:18

That's me crushed. Ran over by a Mack truck. Lost in my own pity feeling so far from God. And there it is in His word. He's close. And he'll save me. I cried. I cried for what I've lost. For what I haven't lost. For the things to come. For the fear of dying alone. Of never hearing "I love you." Of never being able to say that to someone. Of the fear of not having control of my future. I just cried. It's healing. It's a moment of weakness and vulnerability. And it's opening my heart to the God who has saved me and who will save me from my crushed spirit. 

I quit

I've thought a lot about this blog. Whether I should or shouldn't. Who will be mad and who won't. Quite frankly I don't want to care. But I do. I'm a people pleaser. I'm afraid of criticism of any kind. What if I just quit?

I'm tired of quitting. Of backing away. Of giving up. Recently some friendships have taken a battering due to the whole divorce thing. It doesn't just affect your home. It affects your kids, your extended family, your friends, your church, and on a particularly stressful day, the gas station attendant. It's exhausting. So I quit.

I quit singing. I quit talking. Which is weird for me. I quit participating. I quit being friends. I quit being nice. I just quit. 

Church has been the hardest. It's scary. You feel like every eye is on you. And it kind of is. You hear rumors about yourself. You feel stupid. Like you are a huge peice of dirt marring the pew in the holiest of holies....

Before I go any further I just want to say I have a wonderful church family. People who are genuinely concerned. A church family that welcomes you with open arms. I'm just struggling...

I used to wake up excited to go to church. There's nothing better than worshipping with a congregation. The fellowship of God's children is amazing. But now I get sick when I think about going. I feel like I'm a thorn in the church. A rotten apple. I feel like I don't fit, like I don't belong anymore. I've prayed about quitting. Asked for guidance. I've said I'm not going back. But I still go. I sit and listen to the music, but I don't feel it. I listen to the sermon, but I'm empty. 

Then today I came across a song, and for the first time in weeks I felt it. Like someone took the thoughts from my head and wrote them to music. I almost didn't share it, but I really felt I should.

http://youtu.be/DP0u56MKs0I

So there it is. I'm sure I'll meditate and reflect in this song. Listening to it over and over like a constant prayer. Time heals all wounds they say. And I hope that it does. I hope those around me that are affected by my divorce give forgiveness. I hope I can give forgiveness to those I feel have betrayed me. And most of all I hope I feel like I belong again. Right smack dab in the middle of church. 

The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears are open to their cry. —Psalm 34:15

Where to go from here....

No one said this was going to be easy...I've heard that so many times. I hate hearing it. Mostly because it's the truth. Yet here I am. A morbidly obese mother of three currently getting divorced. It sucks. Like really sucks. It's the hardest thing I've had to do so far.

I don't hate him. I've thought I did a time or two. I certainly didn't get married thinking "you know what, I'm going to divorce this man!" I don't like him some days, but I don't hate him. I certainly wasn't raised to believe divorce is an answer. I believe in fighting for your marriage. But I also believe there are times when divorce happens. This is one of those times.

I really don't know why I thought blogging would help. I just know I've got a lot to say and no where to say it. I'm not sure how I reached this point. I don't like me. I don't like my body, my hair, my teeth, my voice, my overly emotional personality, my inability to let go, my neediness, and so on. I hate even more that I hate me. Self esteem has never been my strong suit. Nor has self control, joy, gentleness, and all the other things I'm supposed to be as a Christian woman. And I don't know how I ended up this way. But here I am.

I have three amazing children. And by amazing, I mean the most amazing children ever. Smart, brave, and ridiculously funny. The fact that they've survived me as a mother proves their strength. And there it is...a post full of cutting me down. I'm my own worst enemy. I am stopping this right dang now!

So this is my divorced slightly crazy life. It's chaotic. It's wild. Spontaneous and overwhelming. This is my journey into peace. Into becoming a mature woman of faith. One who is comfortable in her own skin. One whose faith and love of God is evident in her actions and one who totally rocks motherhood!

Galatians 5:22-23

New International Version (NIV)

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love,joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.