I could love you if....

I'm a lover and a lover of words. I'm also a fighter. Not a fists and violence kind of girl. But I will have the last word and I will use words, lots of them, to cut you. And when I love you, I will shower you with all kinds of words. 

Language in it's positive form can build, restore, and heal. Music, poetry, books; all of these are made of words. Pleasing to the eyes, ears, and soul. The greatest book ever written, God's Holy Word, tells numerous stories. Stories you can vividly imagine, depicted by the words God gave each and every writer. 

Much negativity can come from our words as well. Degrading and abusive. Mean and cold hearted. I myself am guilty of saying things I can't take back that have hurt others. 

I'm constantly worried how other people feel about me. I haven't reached the I don't care point in life. And I'm always devastated by the negative words said about me. 

When I was 18 I was madly in love with a friends brother. Typical high school stuff. Being insecure made me a desperate fool, something I still battle with. One night I got brave enough to call him. That call changed everything. I heard him say, "Here talk to her. It's my sister's friend. She's like 300 lbs." I hung up instantly sobbing from the hurt. I couldn't believe that was the only thing he had to say about me. Surely, I was more than my weight. It took me a long time to let that go. Sometimes I'm not even sure I have. I still hang my head in embarrassment when I see him. I'm sure it's long forgotten in his mind, but it is something I'll never forget. Careless words...

I work with a wonderful lady who never fails to tell me that I do a good job. When all hell breaks loose on the unit, she always comes to me afterwords to say thank you for calling people and running. Validation and reassurance of a job well done. Thoughtful words...

I could love you if...

I hate those words. I've heard them countless times. Followed by all the reasons I'm not good enough. It begins to transform you into a person who believes that you'll never be good enough. That no matter how hard you try you will never measure up. It puts you in a place of uncertainty until you aren't even sure who the real you is. The constant change has you lost. 

In the past 7 months I've learned things about me I forgot. I love to sleep late. It's ok if I'm crabby in the morning. Cereal is ok for supper. I have fat, but it doesn't define me. Tattoos make me insanely happy. My opinion is mine. It's ok if I share it. Spending time with my friends hurts no one. Being alone sucks sometimes. And sometimes it's glorious. I'm a fantastic mess when I'm pissed. And I'm even better when I'm truly happy. 

I will never again settle for, "I could love you if..." Love isn't perfect. It's messy. It hurts. It's powerful. And I long desperately for it. But I will not take anything less than love freely given. Without expectation and conditions. And I will give that kind of love back.