If it's on the internet it must be true

I find myself ridiculously gullible. And for a person who works in the public, I'm naive as to the honesty or lack there of in those I meet. Sometimes I think someone could sell me ocean front property located right here in Missouri...

This week has been one full of news, chaos, goodness, and complete absurdity. And it was all reported in the social media. I've read things that made me cry, I've read things that were interesting, and I've read things that cracked me up. 

I'm sure many in my area heard of the tragedy surrounding a child that drown. Before he was located it was blowing up my newsfeed on Facebook. In the days following it continued to dominate many friends posts. I think social media is both a blessing and a curse. Funds have been set up for the family. With the click of a button you can offer monetary support to a family in despair. In the same instance you can read the posts of those who feel it's their job to judge his parents, the business owners, and anyone else involved. I feel a deep sense of compassion for them. We may never know the circumstances that led to that child's death, but I'm positive it was not something his parents wanted. It's easy to get distracted. Kids are quick. You never think it could happen to you. I hate to think of what that mother is going through. I could never imagine the loss of my child, nor can I imagine trying to bear the guilt I'm sure she's feeling now. But where is our compassion? Where is our kindness? Why must everyone cast out so much hate?

On the lighter side of life I've seen some good things. Pictures of my friends children. Celebrations of marriage. New homes. Great memories. I love that. It gives a sense of connection I might not otherwise have. 

I've also seen the down right ridiculous. Today while scrolling through Facebook I saw an article I almost couldn't believe. According to the internet, if you are a medical marijuana patient in California, they can sell you a product that will cause a long lasting pleasure with your partner. I'm flabbergasted. Who comes up with this?! 

And now we come to this. I write because I like it. It's therapy for my soul. I share it because I have hope that maybe I can help others. Or inspire someone. I don't know who reads this blog. I don't know their reactions or thoughts. Since I've started people in Russia and Algeria have read my blog. That blows my mind. Technology is a fantastic creation. I can't even remember what's it's like to not have the whole world at your fingertips. I worry about my survival skills without the internet. 

I'm sure this week will pass just like the last one. Tragedies, blessings, laughter, and just plain life. I just hope we remember to love one another and show kindness. 

And in the spirit of truth on the internet, have you seen this? I knew it was true all along!!! Bahahahaha!!!

http://youtu.be/znzocTa3S4o

Joy cometh in the morning

Yesterday I told God He sucked. I was mad. I'm not nice when I'm mad. In the middle of my why-does-everyone-I-care-about-hurt-me tantrum I let God have it. I have mixed feelings about this. Probably not the wisest thing to say to the Almighty. The Alpha and Omega. The Beginning and the End. 

Life sometimes is crap. It's not fair. It hurts. It sucks the very joy from your soul. I find it easy to stay in the lows of life. Even when it's good I'm waiting for it to go bad. 

Working in labor and delivery reminds me often that life sometimes is crap. But mostly it reminds me of hope. New life. Creation. And instantaneous love. That's the best part. 

This is my friend Amy. I love her. I met her three years ago on the L&D unit. This chick rocks. She can sew anything. She makes the absolute best asparagus and pea casserole ever. (Don't knock it until you try it.) She's really funny and when we are together we're down right hysterical. 

She's also tough. I'm talking rock solid. When I met Amy she was a young mother and widow. Not even in her thirties and had been through an unimaginable loss. I don't know all of her journey. It's not mine to know. But she shows joy and happiness. Even after a death that seems so unfair she has joy. 

And The Lord said: 

To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory.

Isaiah 61:3

Yep I've used this verse before. But apparently I needed to hear it again. 

I'm so self absorbed these days I almost miss the amazing things in life. How God gives good. How sometimes life isn't crap, but extremely precious and rare. In the midst of my fit I felt The Lord show me the truth behind that verse. 

Meet Mikah Sueann. I'm stupidly in love with this baby. She's perfect. She's joy. And she's beauty....

My friend Amy has remarried. A fantastic man. As I watched them gaze upon their new baby it struck me; this right here is beauty for your ashes. God brought Shawn and Amy together. And from that came Mikah. And love.

I'll never understand why God took Amy on her journey. I'm sorry for the hurt she's endured. But I'm also inspired. I'm thankful for her friendship. I'm so glad God brought her into my life. 

I'm on my own journey. My hurts are different but they still hurt. God doesn't suck. He is faithful. Sometimes he says no. Sometimes he takes things away. I don't know where I'm going. I'm scared I'll endure it alone. I may not see it here on this earth, but I believe God will give me beauty for my ashes. 

*WARNING* Pity party raging

I like this blogging thing. It's a good way to get things out. I have about a million random thoughts a day. And sometimes one will jump out at me. I never really plan what to say. Today, I'm mad. It's a pity party day. 

Today hasn't been terrible. We stayed at home. Watched some movies. Played. Just a doing nothing kind of day. I love those. This evening Shiloh was in the parade. The shirt she was supposed to wear was at her dad's. No biggie. When we parked our car it was at the end of the parade route. We had to walk to the beginning of the route. I had all three kids and Shelbie's legs were apparently not working. Again, no biggie. This is all normal stuff. And certainly nothing to be overwhelmed with. 

A little ways into the parade, while trying to smile and wave it struck me how alone I was. Nothing like being in a crowd of a bazillion people and coming to the realization that you have no one of your own. 

I have my kids. Don't question my love for them. Every part of every day is for them. I'm not perfect. My parenting style is quite unorthodox. And quite frankly, I have no clue what I'm doing. I just make it up as I go along. 

I'm still alone. I crave someone. Someone that's all mine. That wants me. All of my life I've wanted to be somebody's. I spent many a day as a child pretending how it would be when I was in love. I was let down. 

Relationships are hard. Love hurts. I once had a friend recovering from addiction tell me the main problem with life is, "feelings suck." No truer words have ever been spoken. 

I want to be loved. I have myself convinced I'm not worthy of love. I don't keep my car clean enough. I'm cluttery. I like to dye my hair. I whine. I do NOT do mornings. I want all of those things to not matter. 

I want someone to pray with and pray over me. I want someone to hold my hand. I want someone to seek me out. Put me first. I want someone to be proud of me. I want someone who will NEVER seek out the attention of another woman. I want someone who will feed my need for attention. Who will buy me shiny things. Who will listen to my non stop chattering. Who will let me be my wild crazy self and love me anyways. Someone who makes me feel sexy and desirable. And someone who is tough enough to handle my hellaciously pissed of self. 

Most of all I want someone to pick me. Not settle until something better comes their way. Or settle because no other man would want me so they're safe in that area. I want someone to see something so special in me that they work at a relationship with me.

My pity party is in full swing. I'm lonely. Yes, I know it's too soon. Yes, I know I have Jesus. He picked me. He loves me. He's tough enough to handle me. But I still want someone. I want butterflies. I want to be so in love with someone we make others gag with our lovey doviness.  I want to hear someone whisper my name like it's the last word they'll ever get to say. (Pardon me, I've read too many romance novels.)

I leave you with this. Have you ever noticed that there is a song for EVERY moment in your life? As I was driving home tonight these song lyrics popped into my head....

http://youtu.be/GY-mTbv38Io

I hope it's soon...

Schizophrenic chihuahuas and The Lord

I'm a nut. An all out anxiety ridden nut. I panic over everything. I'm scared of my own shadow. I'm wild and rough around the edges. You either like me or you don't. And if you don't, I panic over the rejection. 

I asked The Lord for my salvation as a child. I often wonder if children understand salvation and the calling of The Lord. The Bible tells us Samuel was a child when he heard The Lord's voice. The Lord calls you when He's ready. 

I knew I wanted Jesus as my savior. My childhood had some dark secrets. I was abused. Many nights I lay in my bed praying for protection. I knew that feeling of peace washing over me. I knew His voice.

As I grew into a young adult, God's calling on my life wasn't as important as fitting in. Worldly things became the center of my life. Like many of my friends I chose a path of alcohol, promiscuity, profanity, etc. 

God has a purpose for me. I don't know what it is. I just know that He has saved me. Time and time again. When I should have been a sunk ship, he's pulled me back to shore. 

During a particularly low point in my life I found myself on the floor face down in the carpet yelling at God. Asking, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" That's when it happened. A God moment. One of those ones that makes every hair stand up and knocks the wind right out of you. I heard The Lord speak to me.

 

God pressed the words, "Be still" into my heart. I didn't know it at the time. Because I mean really who "hears" The Lord, right? A few days later while browsing a resale shop a framed cross stitch caught my eye. I literally stood dumbfounded at the shelf for at least five minutes. It contained this verse: 

Apparently when God needs you to listen, He's not above putting his point in ugly cross stitch. I bought it, took it home, and hung it on my wall. It's still one of my most treasured possessions. 

I've often described myself as a schizophrenic chihuahua. God has me on his leash and gives me some freedom. For the most part I do ok. Then every once in a while I go a little nuts and The Lord has to yank on my leash to get me to shut up and be still. 

Again, I'm in some dark days. I HATE it. I feel like there is no end. Like I'm trapped in this junk for.ev.er. I'm at the end of my leash snarling, barking, and trying to break free. I need to be still. God does things in his time. Which is ridiculously slow. (He knows how I feel about that.) 

And The Lord said:

To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory.

Isaiah 61:3

My unwanted pregnancy

In June of 2012 I gave birth to the most fantastic fireball I have ever met. And I didn't want her. 

My marriage had just come out of a terrible storm. We had agreed, no more children. We had a boy and a girl. Our youngest was working on potty training. They each had there own room in our house. Our car was just the right size. Life was just how we wanted it. 

Then I was pregnant. Unexpectedly. Unwantedly. Pregnant. I'm ashamed to admit this now, but I was devastated. I was sobbing so hard when I called my husband he could barely understand me. This baby was going to ruin everything. 

Some of my inlaws told us we were stupid for having a baby. Some family we didn't even tell because I was too embarassed to hear their negativity. Heck I was negative about it. 

I am the most miserable pregnant woman EVER. I'm crabby. Everything hurts. I can't poop. I'm tired. I can't sleep on my stomach. My anxiety is out of control. And I didn't want to do it. WHY ME LORD?!

And The Lord said: 

Psalm 127:3-5 

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

About 2 months into the pregnancy the guilt hit. How could I not want the blessing I was about to receive? Not once but three times my body held a life. Nurtured a life. Birthed a life. There are women who never get to experience that. Who never know what pregnancy heartburn is like. Who are never kept awake at night by baby hiccups. And God chose me to do that. 

By the end of the pregnancy I was excited. Smothered again by every pink thing imaginable. I swore she was never coming. And that I couldn't make it to the end. A friend even prayed for me to have endurance. I almost killed him. 

On June 16, 2012 Shelbie Jaymes made her appearance. She had all this chocolate brown hair and fat rolls everywhere. I was instantly in love. I didn't even know how bad I needed her until that moment. And I'm so thankful for that blessing. 

All of this layed on my heart after the Hobby Lobby ruling. I'm not a supporter of abortion. I'm not a supporter of Plan B. As much as I was overwhelmed by my last pregnancy it never occurred to me to end it. Pregnancy, children, adoption, family; all of these things are a blessing. Not something you throw away. 

Do I want to do it again? NO! I even threatened to handcuff myself to my bed unless they gave me a tubal before I left the hospital. Am I glad I had her? More than words can ever say. Am I ashamed of how I felt about my pregnancy? Yes. Our society has taken the worth of pregnancy down to something that you throw away. If you didn't want to be pregnant, no worries. Take this pill. Have the surgery. And your fixed. It's a shame. 

And The Lord said: 

John 16:21 

When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world.