It's 10:30 on a Tuesday night. Pretty routine...I'm camped out in front of the computer with my ear buds in trying desperately to stay above the pile of homework I have. Nothing big happened today, besides the toilet going on the fritz. I can feel it creeping in...that sense of loneliness that eats at my soul.
I have not been on a date in over 10 years. No one has bought me dinner, took me to a movie, sent me flowers, or anything like that. Most days I do not care. I do those things for myself. If I want dinner I make it. If I want to watch a movie, I go see it. If I want flowers, I get them. It's not the gifts that I desire. It's the effort. I just want someone to want me enough to give of themselves to me.
I'm coming up on three years single. It's been such a short time, yet has drug on for an eternity. I have learned so much about myself. I have healed some. I know I'm still broken in places and will be for the rest of my life. Not just from my marriage, but from life. This is not a post about how I hurt or looking for attention for myself. It's a stark truth of what an overweight, insecure, soccer mom deals with personally in the dating world.
I'm a giver. I will give and give and give, until it drains me. I will buy you things, take you with me places, help pay your bills, cook for you, etc. I will give of myself until I have nothing left to give you, just to reassure you that you are important to me. I love to give people presents. I'm impulsive about it. If I walk by something that reminds me of you, I will most likely purchase it for you. I have always been that way. It is one of the quickest ways to experience rejection. People think if you buy them something, that you are binding yourself to them emotionally. That's not necessarily true. Just because I buy you a t shirt, does not mean I plan on growing old with you....its a damn shirt....that's it.
I also am a giver of time. I will spend endless hours with you for the interaction. I'm naturally drawn to people. I hate being alone. Ironically, I spend the majority of my time alone. I have been told my house is too far out of town to come and hang out. I literally live two miles out of town. These past months have been excessively tough to deal with for me. Many weekends, I have lain on my couch and no one texts or calls. I know it sounds stupid to feel that way, but the conversations I had during those days were because I pushed for them. I texted first. I kept the conversation going. I have tried so damn hard.
Since we are all adults here, I'll be starkly honest. I'm also a giver of my body. I haven't dated anyone. Not one single person. However, I haven't been "pure". That's a personal choice. Sex outside of a relationship is exactly what you would think. It's fun, it's easy, it requires zero emotion. It feels good. It also leaves your arms empty and your heart heavy at times. There's nothing like looking at yourself the next morning and realizing your were good enough to fuck, but not good enough to be in a relationship with. And most of the time, you're good enough to pleasure him, but don't you dare let anyone know. He has a reputation to keep, after all. These are moments I don't feel great about, but I won't lie and say I'll never do it again.
We all know, I'm not my favorite person. I see a mess when I see me. I see nothing but trouble and baggage. I'm so very needy. I couldn't even fix the damn toilet today. I know the dark bitter parts of my soul. I know how insecure and jealous I am. I know that if I were to be with someone, I do not have what it takes to compete to keep their attention on me.
My God, I ache at night. I sleep every night diagonally in my bed. Face down. I sleep best when I'm alone. Yet, I lay in that bed at night wondering where my person is. Some nights I drift right off. I'm able to push away the ache for human contact. Other nights, I lay in that bad and cry until I can't cry anymore. I pace. I play on Facebook. I eat. Anything just to distract myself.
Here's the irony. I really don't want anyone. It's so much work. Relationships are complicated and messy. And time consuming. I will NEVER get married again. Like ever. I hate marriage. I hate coexisting. I hate sharing. I don't want to paint the walls in a color we agreed on, I want to paint them my way. I don't want to wash your laundry, clean up your mess, or argue about money. I don't want you in my business or telling me who I can be friends with. And I don't want to hear how if I wasn't neurotic, or messy, or lazy, or fat, or a mom, or tattooed, or whatever, that you could want me or love me more.
I'm not even sure what my point is.
I'm done giving. I'm done trying. I'm just done. I cannot afford to offer myself to anyone anymore. I'm sure I'll get all the "Jesus" comments. Jesus loves you the way you crave. Jesus is there for you. Seek his face and you will not hurt or be lonely. I stand rock solidly on my faith and belief in Jesus Christ and his sacrifice for my life. I still long for someone that wants me.
All I have ever wanted is to be wanted.
Good night.....
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