I'd rather go blind

I have always wanted to write songs. To watch my words blend with a melody. I want to hear my soul pour out in poetry, to watch and feel my heart in the black and white keys of a piano and in vibrations of the guitar strings....but I can't do it. 

I've sang songs others have wrote. I don't hear music...I feel it...in pictures and colors and heartbeats. I can close my eyes and let the pain and joy flow from my body. I can make you feel what I feel. But I can't write a song. 

I'm always standing on the edge of darkness...waiting for the fall. I laugh. I smile. I comfort others but I cannot comfort myself...I've told you before, feelings suck. 

It's hell being chased by your own demons. There's no peace...and there's no one there but you. It's lonely. It's like flood water rushing behind you...all consuming. 

These are the words I need out. These are the lyrics I need on paper...I need to sing them to free them. 

These thoughts don't make sense to everyone. They're confusing. Weird. Strange. To me, they're my creative outlet. My way to express and heal. 

Tonight I found my musical soul mate...her voice full of emotion. Pain. Love. Anger. Desperation. Happiness.

I learned she's not much different than me. Chased by her own demons. With a past that isn't straight, narrow, or pure. And I found a home in her music...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vCOIRmDi4w

Maybe I'll find a way to get these words out in the form of a song. Or maybe I'll keep journaling them in entries that will only make sense to me. Maybe my kids will read them when they are adults so they'll understand me. And maybe someday I'll put them all in a book. 

For now I'll ramble. I'll float. And I'll fly....