I'd rather go blind

I have always wanted to write songs. To watch my words blend with a melody. I want to hear my soul pour out in poetry, to watch and feel my heart in the black and white keys of a piano and in vibrations of the guitar strings....but I can't do it. 

I've sang songs others have wrote. I don't hear music...I feel it...in pictures and colors and heartbeats. I can close my eyes and let the pain and joy flow from my body. I can make you feel what I feel. But I can't write a song. 

I'm always standing on the edge of darkness...waiting for the fall. I laugh. I smile. I comfort others but I cannot comfort myself...I've told you before, feelings suck. 

It's hell being chased by your own demons. There's no peace...and there's no one there but you. It's lonely. It's like flood water rushing behind you...all consuming. 

These are the words I need out. These are the lyrics I need on paper...I need to sing them to free them. 

These thoughts don't make sense to everyone. They're confusing. Weird. Strange. To me, they're my creative outlet. My way to express and heal. 

Tonight I found my musical soul mate...her voice full of emotion. Pain. Love. Anger. Desperation. Happiness.

I learned she's not much different than me. Chased by her own demons. With a past that isn't straight, narrow, or pure. And I found a home in her music...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vCOIRmDi4w

Maybe I'll find a way to get these words out in the form of a song. Or maybe I'll keep journaling them in entries that will only make sense to me. Maybe my kids will read them when they are adults so they'll understand me. And maybe someday I'll put them all in a book. 

For now I'll ramble. I'll float. And I'll fly....

The Girlfriend

It has happened. The day I secretly hoped would never come. My kids dad has a girlfriend. I fiercely protective of my kids and I hate the thought of someone else being around them. I'm also insecure and I want my kids to only need me.

A few weeks ago I showed up to ball practice and there she was holding my Shelbie. I was taken aback just a bit. Anxiety hit me like a ton of bricks. Here I was in the exact place I had dreaded because I had no clue how to handle it. I sat over on the bench and tried not to blatantly stare...but I failed...I'm nosy and I needed to see.

By the end of practice we had spoken to each other and she was polite and nice. When Shiloh asked if she could ride with her instead of me, I said yes, but secretly my heart ached. I want them with me. She's been to other practices. We usually sit close to each other and our kids play together. I cannot complain in anyway about how she treats my kids. And I actually like her.

Am I jealous? In ways I suppose. I would never ever want to enter back into a relationship with my kids father...it just would never work. But I hear those voices in my head. "She's skinnier than you." And she is. "She's everything you weren't." I don't even know if that's true because I don't know her, but I know she has similar interests to my ex. Things I never enjoyed. "The kids like her more than you." I am and always will be their mom. I am the bad guy sometimes. I make them do chores and homework. I ground them when they misbehave. But there is no love like the love of your mom.

I'm trying to be ok. Yet I have moments where it kills me. I feel inadequate. Fat. Stupid. Ugly. I sit and wonder why he has found someone and I have Hank the Wonder Dog. The petty parts of me want to tell her not to touch my kids and refuse to let her be around them, but I have no reason to do that. Sometimes I want to pull her aside and say "watch yourself, he isn't what he seems." I won't, because that's unfair to them. He should be happy. He should have love, if that's what he wants.

It feels strange to sit together at events. Tonight we went to my son's Kindergarten concert. We all sat together with the kids alternating between laps. She took pictures and videos because my phone was dead. We all walked out together and made plans for the next day. She's going to send me the pictures and videos. I don't know how they feel about all this. I just try to maintain peace and civility. It really isn't hard because she is so likeable.

I'm here on my couch. Lonely as hell. My kids just stopped by to get their clothes for tomorrow. Being divorced sucks. Being married sucked more. This is not the life I chose. I did not plan to be divorced. I'm at peace over that decision. It's the consequences that are killing me now.

I truly believe I will always be alone. I'm overweight. I'm a soccer mom. I'm needy and whiny. I have a low tolerance for chewing noises. I'm afraid of fireworks, guns, balloons, and snakes. I have shitty credit. I don't believe I have anything to offer. I feel like I could never maintain a man's attention and I don't want to have to fight to keep a man. My heart aches for my person, but I will never let them in because I can't take being hurt again. So I will always be just me.

I'm sure they will read this. We all have mutual friends and I have one particular family member that makes it their soul duty to report to my ex husband anything I post.  It sends my paranoia into overdrive. What is everyone saying about me? Are they all plotting against me? Are they going to try and take my kids away from me? It's torture. Do I envy her? Yes. My insecure mind puts her superior to me and I want to win. Am I going to give her and him a chance? Absolutely. He's not mine anymore, and he never really was. Keep him. And on the off chance I'm no longer able to take care of my children for whatever reason,  I want to know they are cared for by someone I would choose.

Here's to new girlfriends, insecure minds, and this divorced and slightly crazy life....