Dear Ellen

Dear Ellen, 

I'm not even sure why I'm writing to you. Or if you'll even ever read this. Maybe I'm hoping for encouragement. Today I saw someone I admire on the cover of People. Tess Holliday. She's amazing. Beautiful. And she's a size 22. So am I. I see her in all kinds of magazines. Wearing everything from bikinis to fancy dresses. I'm envious. I want to be that free. I want to not pick apart myself. To not see fat and ugly. 

I've battled low self esteem forever. I never have thought I was enough. Even when I was a child. I was too poor. I wasn't smart enough. I didn't have the right shoes. To say I was socially awkward is an understatement. 

I'm 33 years old now. I've given birth to three children. I've been married and divorced. I've failed many many times. But I've also succeeded. I write a blog about my life. It has offered me a creative outlet and has given me some positive feedback. But I hate me. 

All my life I've wanted to be beautiful. I don't feel that way. I'm constantly disappointed in how I look in my clothes. How my hair looks. I compare myself to others, wishing I had what they have. I see my body as disgusting. I'm starting to feel like I'm too old. That it's too late to find happiness. I also know these feelings are absurd. And as a parent I'm scared my children are going to view themselves in the same way I see me. I never ever want that for them. 

Buying clothes aggravates me. There is never anything that fits right. And most plus size sections are filled with clothes that I feel frumpy in. I'm pretty sure my current wardrobe belongs on "What not to wear." And secretly I'm afraid I'm going to be on that show one day.

I adore you. You're kind and have a generous heart. You have absolute love for life that we should all strive for. . 

I'd love to tell you I watch your show everyday, but I won't lie. I do watch it every chance I get though. It just makes me feel good. I want to feel good. I want to feel beautiful. 

Thanks for listening. And maybe invite Tess to your show! She's awesome. And such a positive influence for young women everywhere trying to maintain a positive body image.

As Always,

Amy Jo

Feelings

I haven't written in a long time. I haven't felt it. Writing is a creative outlet. One I do mostly by feeling. I'm not sure if I've been content, depressed, or too busy to feel. Today I feel. Lots of things. 

I'm headed out tonight for a bachelorette party. I used to love weddings. And I used to believe in love. I'm happy for my friend. I support her choice and truly hope her wedding and marriage are everything she's ever dreamed of. Certain parts of me are envious. Envious of the excitement, the hope, and the happiness. Most of me is afraid for her. That her heart will be broken. I see relationships through pessimistic eyes. I won't be a negative Nancy at her bachelorette party or her wedding. 

I've said many times that I don't believe in love. And I don't. I believe in the kind of love that you feel for your children, your family, and for your friends. But I do not believe in "in love." Being with someone is a choice. I don't believe there is only one person destined just for you. I do believe we choose to care, to want to be with one person, to respect, and to cherish. However, we can choose to not do it just as easily. 

I feel other things today. It's beautiful outside. Sunshine and warm weather bring me a sense of pure happiness. I mowed my grass until I ran out of gas in my mower. I really suck at yard work. I've almost burnt my fence down. I've almost broke my mower. And I have a flower bed full of weeds and I have no idea how to make it look better. My lack of landscaping skills is very amusing. 

So I'm laying on my couch, with Hank the Wonder Dog near by. I'm thinking. And feeling. And writing. Ironically, writing makes me FEEL better. It's peaceful. This post has no clear direction or theme. I'm ok with that. It's just me sailing along...