Boy: n. A noise with dirt on it

I was never having kids. I said that over and over. I didn't want to be a mom. I wasn't going to be good at it. I was afraid my childhood would cause me not to be normal. I didn't even like little kids. They were hard to control. I look back on that now and see how wrong I was. I love all my children. They are beautiful and unique. My girls are amazing, smart, and are going to change the world. And my boy, well he stole my whole heart. 

When Shiloh came along I was scared and afraid of having a girl. Girls get abused. And she's all girl all the time. I wouldn't trade her for anything, but I can't even describe the excitement I felt when I saw that little boy swimming along in my ultrasound. 

I bought every camoflage item I could get my hands on. I bought ball caps, boots, pirate binkies, cars, trucks, trains...well you get the picture. We were going to have a boy!!!

Being a mom has changed me. Healed me. And strengthened me. I love it. The daily routine is constantly shaken up by the funny and amazing things my kids do. 

This is the funniest child I have ever met. He makes me laugh constantly. He always says what he thinks. Occasionally he curses. It's not appropriate, but I can't help myself but to giggle. He's sweet, caring, and tougher than nails. I call his antics Johnnie-isms. They are epic. 

I'm trying so hard to raise all of them in The Lord. And to teach them a servants heart. I want nothing more than to see all of my children saved and doers of the word. I think it's especially important for the boys to learn to be the spiritual leader. And I completely lose my heart every night when I hear Johnnie pray, "God, you are wonderful and beautiful."

Being married has taught me so many things. Mostly how I never want my girls to be treated, and how I want Johnnie to never ever treat a woman. Some days I'm worried that he's surrounded by women too much. The boy wears heels for crying out loud! 

I'm so stupid in love with him. I didn't know I'd say things like, "Get your hands off your weiner," as much as I do. I didn't know peeing outside was a rite of passage. And I didn't know I'd ever love so much. 

This post is mostly about Johnnie. I love them all. But I felt the desire to write about him. I'm the only girl he'll ever love. I make him tell me every day. I'm so proud of him. And I hope that he'll love with his whole heart. That he'll respect everyone, especially whomever he chooses to be with. And I hope he becomes a strong man of faith. 

A man who treats his woman like a princess is proof he was raised by a queen....

America

"I'm just a singer of simple songs

I'm not a real political man

I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell

You the difference in Iraq and Iran

But I know Jesus and I talk to God" 

---Alan Jackson---

13 years. It's a lifetime. I struggle to remember yesterday sometimes, but I know exactly where I was. I even remember the shoes I was wearing that day. Fear, sadness, anger, and an overwhelming desire to do something hit me in an instant. 

I can't say I'm much different than I was then. I'm older and a mom now. I work, pay bills, and take my freedom for granted. There are a few things in the political world that I'm educated on. I have very strong opinions about them and I will express those opinions at any given point. Mostly my day is filled with kids, diapers, and grape jelly. 

I love being American. I'm a patriotic kind of girl. I've always been a sucker for a man in uniform. I think self sacrifice for others in noble and honorable. I get teary eyed at the national anthem and TAPS. I think our country is great. But as Merle would say, we're a snowball headed straight for hell. 

I'm baffled by the injustice and absurdity in this world. Our own citizens struggle with no healthcare, but you come from another country you can get it all. Especially if you're expecting a baby. No matter your wealth in your home country, good ole America will foot the bill. Yet we have hard working Americans who can't afford to have their teeth cleaned. And let's not forget, if you come here it's our job to speak your language, allow you to express your religious freedom, and cut you a break for your cultural differences that we don't practice.

Our veterans are homeless, suffering from PTSD, and many other ugly things. But we give more help to aliens than our own who sacrificed to give us our freedom. I find that disgusting. 

America has become a place of constant anger and conflict. Everyone wants their way at the cost of someone else's. Gay, straight, Christian, atheist, black, and white. We are fighting for equality in a world of selfish buffoons. Equality requires compromise, giving, and acceptance. 

September 11, 2001 changed us all. It put fear in us we never experienced before. It united us as one. It made us a strong force to be reckoned with. And it made us avengers. I reflect on that time often. Where I was, what I felt. I still cry. It still takes my breath away. And I'm still pissed at the terrorists who managed to catch us unaware. 

America is beautiful. It's crazy. And it's the only country I'll ever call home. I'll rant and rave about my tax dollars being spent to pass a law for permission slips to use tanning beds if you're a minor, but absolutely no legislation to charge mothers who abuse drugs during pregnancy. But I'll also be a die hard red blooded, flag waving, patriotic fool until I die. I'm thankful for my home. As jacked up as she is.

God Bless America. We will never forget. 

I could love you if....

I'm a lover and a lover of words. I'm also a fighter. Not a fists and violence kind of girl. But I will have the last word and I will use words, lots of them, to cut you. And when I love you, I will shower you with all kinds of words. 

Language in it's positive form can build, restore, and heal. Music, poetry, books; all of these are made of words. Pleasing to the eyes, ears, and soul. The greatest book ever written, God's Holy Word, tells numerous stories. Stories you can vividly imagine, depicted by the words God gave each and every writer. 

Much negativity can come from our words as well. Degrading and abusive. Mean and cold hearted. I myself am guilty of saying things I can't take back that have hurt others. 

I'm constantly worried how other people feel about me. I haven't reached the I don't care point in life. And I'm always devastated by the negative words said about me. 

When I was 18 I was madly in love with a friends brother. Typical high school stuff. Being insecure made me a desperate fool, something I still battle with. One night I got brave enough to call him. That call changed everything. I heard him say, "Here talk to her. It's my sister's friend. She's like 300 lbs." I hung up instantly sobbing from the hurt. I couldn't believe that was the only thing he had to say about me. Surely, I was more than my weight. It took me a long time to let that go. Sometimes I'm not even sure I have. I still hang my head in embarrassment when I see him. I'm sure it's long forgotten in his mind, but it is something I'll never forget. Careless words...

I work with a wonderful lady who never fails to tell me that I do a good job. When all hell breaks loose on the unit, she always comes to me afterwords to say thank you for calling people and running. Validation and reassurance of a job well done. Thoughtful words...

I could love you if...

I hate those words. I've heard them countless times. Followed by all the reasons I'm not good enough. It begins to transform you into a person who believes that you'll never be good enough. That no matter how hard you try you will never measure up. It puts you in a place of uncertainty until you aren't even sure who the real you is. The constant change has you lost. 

In the past 7 months I've learned things about me I forgot. I love to sleep late. It's ok if I'm crabby in the morning. Cereal is ok for supper. I have fat, but it doesn't define me. Tattoos make me insanely happy. My opinion is mine. It's ok if I share it. Spending time with my friends hurts no one. Being alone sucks sometimes. And sometimes it's glorious. I'm a fantastic mess when I'm pissed. And I'm even better when I'm truly happy. 

I will never again settle for, "I could love you if..." Love isn't perfect. It's messy. It hurts. It's powerful. And I long desperately for it. But I will not take anything less than love freely given. Without expectation and conditions. And I will give that kind of love back.