Hey. Welcome to year 35. Year 34 was tough. Chin up cupcake, you got this.
I know your searching for answers you're afraid you'll never find. Some things will always remain a mystery. Life is messy and complicated. Some days it's tragic and some days it's beautiful. You've got to decide what to hang on to.
2017 came and you're still single. That's really ok. Keep working on yourself. You're good enough for anyone just the way you are, but continue to evolve. Let yourself grow. I know you're afraid that you will never find anyone that wants you. It's ok if you don't. You'll hate it, the loneliness will overwhelm you. You'll have nights you cry yourself to sleep because you feel incomplete. Keep moving forward. Loneliness is not the end of the world. I know how inadequate you feel. I know when you look in the mirror you ache because you doubt everything you see. You see fat, ugly, loud, annoying, clingy, moody, etc. Learn to accept and not hate. You are what you are meant to be. I know this is a battle you feel you will never win, but please don't think that being in a relationship will amend a negative self image. It won't. Be open to either path. Not all of us were made to have a significant other.
I'm so glad you went back to school. I see how smart you are. Especially when you apply yourself. Believe in you. You are intelligent, but you get in your own way with self doubt. Your degree will be finished before you know it. More than anything I want you to walk across a stage at graduation. You told me that was your dream. Get it. Do it. Don't feel foolish because you're 35. It doesn't matter, take what's yours and own it.
Your kids are amazing. I love those little gypsies. Thank you for giving them a free spirit. For encouraging their creativity and for giving them an unorthodox childhood full of strange and wonderful things. Give yourself some credit. You're doing fine. Everyone has bad days. You've only got a little bit of time before they don't need you as much. Give them their independence. They are kind, loving, and responsible children. They will make you proud. And please chill out over the mess. It's not that big of a deal.
Your Uncle Ken once told you to stop making things harder than they are. The world will continue you to exist and control is elusive. Stop toiling. You are wearing your self out and changing nothing. Quit worrying; stop overthinking.
Insecurity is a big part of your life. Quit it. It does not matter what others think. You are not here to serve them. You were created to serve God. Start valuing his opinion more than you do others. I do t have to tell you this. And please, spread his gospel. Don't let your fear of rejection keep you from obedience. This is the hardest lesson you've had to learn...keep working on it.
I also want you to let go of jealousy. You have a personality that some find abrasive. You do not have to be liked by everyone you meet. If they walk away from you, let them go. You will value some who do not value you as much. That has nothing to do with your self worth. Stop wanting what others have or what you think they have. Be content with you and what you have. Your life is far better than you imagined it would be.
This is a brand new year. You've got so much to do. Please, I beg of you, love yourself. Even if it's just a little.
Love always,
Me
