In January of 2014 I stood in front of my bathroom mirror considering ending my life. It wasn't the first time I'd been to that point. I made the decision to call it quits.
For months I had been sleeping alone in my bed. Him on the couch. I hated going places together. I didn't like being around him. And most of the time we fought; bitterly and viciously. I was done.
The next eight months were chaotic. Trying to make it. Lawyers. Fighting over everything. I knew the moment I said I was done I would leave with what was mine and give him our home. I've been asked again and again why I didn't fight for the house. I hated it there. So many ugly things had happened there. And he built that house with his own hands, I didn't want to take that from him.
August rolled around and the day came. My friend Christine came to be my support. I sat watching other marriages dissolve until it was time for mine. It only took about fifteen minutes. Almost 10 years gone in a flash.
Fast forward two years. I'm in a small rental. But it's mine. I do what I want here. It's home to me. It's success. It's liberation. No one tells me what to do. If it's a mess, it's because I keep it that way. That seems so trivial. And kind of dumb.
Everyone views divorce as a tragedy. It does truly suck. However for some of us, it's the day we chose ourselves. You can call me selfish. Say I didn't consider my kids. I really don't care. This was the best decision for me.
I had hoped by now I would have found "love." I haven't. Pretty sure I never will. I'm so lonely some nights I cry myself to sleep. I'm terrified of men. If I'm given a compliment I think they are lying and probably just making fun of me because I'm fat and seem desperate. Loving yourself is so very hard.
This week is bittersweet for me. I'm happy to be out of my marriage. It was so unhealthy. I'm also sad because I'm so alone. It's hard for others to understand. Being lonely is far better than being in a horrible relationship.
I feel like I'm running out of time. My biggest fear has always been that I'd be alone with no one to love me. I'm here right where I always didn't want to be. Its ok most days. Not near as bad as I thought. I'm doing just fine.
Healing takes time. I see myself as unworthy. I truly believe that if I meet someone and they get to know me,all of my faults will overpower any good parts of me.
I'm fat. There really is no other way to describe it. My skin sags. My boobs sag. I have cellulite. My ass is dimply. My teeth are spaced. I have a retarded amount of freckles. There are stretch marks on damn near every inch of my body. My feet are too big and I don't have toenails on my big toes due to a surgical procedure. I don't look good when I wear yoga pants. I eat too much. I'm needy. My feelings get hurt very easily. I love booze and can be an annoying drunk. I curse like a sailor. I yell a lot. My mind never ever shuts up. I have the worlds shittiest credit right now. And some days I don't comb my hair.
I cannot image anyone wanting that. And they don't. It's been proven time and time again. This has been the hardest part of my journey; knowing I'm not marriage or relationship material. It takes a lot of effort to turn your mind away from that desire. To just be by yourself and not want companionship and affection.
I have heard it all. "He's out there." "When you like yourself, you'll find someone." "Change those bad parts of you and someone will want you." "No ones ever going to want you unless you change your behavior." "You could have a man if you were different." "You have a pretty face, but I'm just not attracted to your body." "I don't want a relationship with you. But we can have sex this once." "You have too many issues." "You're crazy, nuts, insane, etc."
I don't want to change. It's as if the whole world says, "I could love you if..."
If what? I'll never be enough. I don't pretend to think I will.
So I'll continue this journey. I'll survive because I don't know how to do anything else. I'll cook. I'll dance. I'll write. And I'll do it by myself. And that's ok.
