You've told me I wasn't good enough. I'm too tall. Too fat. Too loud. Too needy. And a variety of other "too" things. I hear your voice and remember your words almost daily.
I've always doubted myself. I've always hated the way I look, the sound of my voice, my face...I've hated it all. So you not appreciating me came as no shock to me. I completely understand.
I've been broken and damaged for a long time. I never asked you to understand that, just have some compassion. I never demanded that you actually be attracted to me, but I've hoped you would.
I see you sometimes with other women. And I wonder what I did so wrong that I wasn't good enough and she was. You've told me I care too much and sometimes you've told me I didn't care enough. The truth is I'm afraid.
I don't trust you. Probably never will. But there's a part of me that really wants to and it scares me to hope you are really genuine. But I know you're not.
So here's how I feel about you.
1. I liked you. That's why I texted you. Yes I know it's a lot, but I like to talk. If you didn't like it you should have just said. Ignoring my texts is rude and childish...
2. I know you can find someone hotter than me. Don't sit and lie to me or remind me that other women are more beautiful. Go get em tiger...I sure as hell don't want you.
3. Yes I'm messy. And cluttery. But it's my damn house and car. And I'm busy a lot. If your so concerned about how I keep my house feel free to go back to yours where you can do what you want.
4. No I do not want pictures of your dick or to be your friend-with-benefits. I haven't always respected myself...but I'm getting there. I won't cheapen myself for you. If you're looking for a whore I hear you can find them in the truck stop parking lot...
5. Screw you. And your stupid crap and game playing. I am not a gem. I'm moody, sensitive, and needy. Those are not the worst qualities a woman can have...
6. I tolerated a lot from some of you. You're obnoxious need to be first at everything. You're lying. You're taking and not giving back. You're expecting me to tolerate everything you do and change everything about myself. I've lost my patience...if you want some like that, call your mama.
I let myself wallow in the feelings. I have zero self worth. Those feelings weren't caused by you, but in my mind I felt your actions validated them. And I can't do this anymore.
So to those of you who didn't and don't want me because I'm not good enough....you are wrong...I'm perfectly good enough for anything...And if you didn't see that it's not my loss....
I'd rather spend my life alone being myself than constantly trying to change...
So thank you for not wanting me...without you I've learned to love alone...even when it hurts.
