Dear Michelle

You've been on my mind a lot lately. And you may drop kick me for my sappiness, but I needed to tell you some things. 

The first time I met you I thought I was dying. And I thought my girl parts were going to break. You met me at the window and asked if you could come to my party. I think I loved you right at that moment. Years later when I started on L&D, I realized that you had stayed five hours over your shift to help me deliver my baby. I still to this day don't know why you did that, but you'll never know what that means to me. 

When I came to L&D I knew nothing. I knew how babies were created and the two ways they came out. I have learned so much from you. You took me to my first delivery. You taught me what to do in times of crisis. You pushed me to be better. You've held me accountable and refused to accept less than what you expected of me.

The first time I held someone's baby in my hands that had lost its battle with prematurity, you helped me know what to say and what not to say. You helped me process my feelings. Many times I have seen you aid women through the loss of a child. You held your emotions in check and comforted them through something most of us can't even imagine. I find your grace and compassion to be one of the most amazing characteristics you have.

You, my darling, were born to birth babies and save lives. I've seen you do it hundreds of times. Working with you has shown me life and death. And shown me how to fight for a life.

Your nursing brain is astounding. You know more medically than most physicians I've met. You are my go to person. I never accept a diagnosis without getting your opinion. 

I just wanted you to know that I adore you. I can't imagine my life without your friendship. No one else would go with me to have my toenails ripped off then pull the packing out two days later, but you did. 

I hope you know how special you are. And what an amazing gift you have.

I have loved you when you're happy. I have loved you when you're mad. And I have loved you even when you threaten to punch me in the face if I hug you. I will always love you. 

Thank you for the many gifts you've given me. Thank you for birthing my babies, getting me through a divorce, and for being my voice of reason when I'm losing it. You are truly and inspiration to me...for real. And I know that you are going to continue to inspire and mentor so many others. 

I just thought you needed to know these things. 

Love always, 

Me

Things 18 year old me should have known

Dear Me, 

Here are a few things you should know now. You have grand ideas and plans. Life won't always be perfect, but it's not horrible. 

1. Get counseling now. You unfortunately will have a life long battle with anxiety and depression. Don't be afraid or ashamed. It's ok. Crazy can be fun, but it can also wear you down. Take care of your inner spirit.

2. Quit smoking. At 33 you'll have wrinkles. 

3. Floss more. Go to the dentist. Your going to start breaking and losing teeth soon. Maintain them better.

4. Love the body you have now. You're going to gain 70 pounds by the time you are in your thirties. You aren't too fat. Stop being insecure. You have a deliciously curvy body. Learn to dress for it. Accentuate it. 

5. You're really funny. Not everyone will think so. You'll offend people when you don't mean to. Apologize and move on. 

6. Go ahead and love Tim Kennedy with all your might. You will never marry him like you think. Love him while you can, and let him go when it's time. He won't be your worst heartache. 

7. Your worst heartache is the failure of your marriage. It's going to change you. You're going to be bitter. You won't trust. And you'll stop believing in love. You'll believe you're worthless, unattractive, stupid, a terrible mom, etc. You're not. It's going to hurt for a long time. You'll eventually begin to heal. Hang in there. 

8. Do not try to force relationships. If someone wants to be in your life they will  be, if they don't want to be, So what. 

9. Dropping the f bomb isn't classy. It will be your favorite cuss word and you're never going to be classy. But try sometimes to control it.

10. Go to church. Stop telling yourself God is vengeful and makes your life bad because you aren't perfect. Believe what you've been taught. Jesus was perfect for you. God is grace and mercy. You are His child and he wants to see you prosper. It won't always seem like you're prospering. Keep going. You have a purpose and a plan. 

I love you. I don't always act like it. I criticize you way too much. I spend too much time telling you what's wrong with you. But you are beautiful, smart, funny, kind, and just wonderful. You'll make it. I promise. 

As always, 

You at 33