Parenting: (noun/verb) the job you're never ever prepared or equipped for

I have three kids. I said I was never going to have any. I was wrong. I remember thinking, "what am I going to do with this?", when they put Shiloh in my arms the first time. I am probably the most anxiety ridden parent on the planet. My first born has endured the majority of my neurosis. By the time my third child came along, I had managed to relax. Not much but some. 

One of my biggest fears is failing them somehow. When Shiloh was a toddler I was certain we'd screwed her up and that she had some form of anger management issues. Turns out that she has an intolerance to food dyes. But I just knew I had broken her. She's actually fine; beautiful, kind, sensitive, and smart. She may need some therapy later on in life, but then again who doesn't?

I went to Johnnie's kindergarten parent teacher conference today. They LOVE him at school. He's so sweet and cute. He struggled at the beginning of the year but has made leaps and bounds in his skills. However, he's not ready for first grade and we decided to hold him back. I've known this was a possibility since the first quarter. I'm still kind of sad. I want him to succeed and I truly believe it's the best thing for him, but I feel like the most inadequate parent. I refuse to say he's failing or flunked a grade. It's degrading and he isn't failing. 

I'll probably cry about it at some point because I'm a cry baby. I want them to be successful and this is only kindergarten. And I'm not the only parent whose had a child that's held back. As much as I think it is, this is not a reflection on me. I can't fix this instantly. I can only work with him. 

Parenting isn't easy. This is nothing compared to some situations in life. I should cut myself some slack. So to all those moms and dads out there who look in the mirror everyday and think you aren't doing a good job; you are. There's not a handbook for this. It's more a fly by the seat of your pants kind of thing. Hang in there...we got this.