An experiment in beauty

I've been in a funk. Ok, honestly I'm always a little off. I'm dramatic, intense, emotional...

Being single is one of the most glorious states I've ever been in. I get to be me. All the time. I say what I think. I do what I want. I go where I want. I'm remembering the things I like. Places I like to go. But it also sucks. 

I have not been on a real date in almost 10 years. Frankly I hate dates. With a passion. It's like a job interview. And makes me an anxiety ridden nut case. I've sworn I will die alone and never have real sex again because I just can't handle the pressure. That's probably not true, but it's my current plan. 

I'm fat. I've always been that way. And in my insecurities I believe that defines my worth as a woman. I do not see sexy. I do not see beautiful. I see a woman that would be want able if she was skinny. I didn't come to this conclusion without proof. Many times I haven't been chosen. Like in 5th grade and you had to pick your team for dodgeball. I was not the first pick. I was akward, overweight, and uncoordinated. In high school I never went on one single date. At school dances I was a wall flower. 

Fast forward 15 years. I'm still akward. Uncoordinated. Overweight. And single. My insecurities are still the same. With some new ones too. 

But I want to feel beautiful, sexy, and worthy. This is an inner change. And one of the hardest changes I've ever encountered. It seems so easy to be insecure. And so hard to love yourself. I'm a deeply sensitive person and criticism is something I take very personal. And rejection devastates me.

A few months ago I decided I wanted to try something different. I had ideas of a photo shoot. Not anything racy or sexual. But elegant and edgy. I wanted to see me through someone else's point of view.

I have a friend that's a photographer. I told her my idea and she jumped on board. We shared ideas. Looked up plus size models. And researched. I fretted. I worried. She encouraged. 

On a Sunday afternoon she came over. We opened a couple of bottles of wine. We talked and laughed. In between she took pictures. In some of them I sat the way she told me. In some, she just snapped as I was sitting and waiting for her to adjust her camera. It was one of the most fun times I've ever had. 

I wasn't sure what to expect. I thought I would hate them all because I hate me most of the time. I can pick apart anything. When she emailed me the link I seriously panicked. Was I going to look awful? I didn't. Some of the pictures were stunning. Liberating. Elegant with edgy undertones. I've got some big boobs that didn't look all that bad. That was a shocker. In the right clothes, I'm pretty cute. My legs are fatter than I realized. When I laugh it completely changes my face. And I like how I look when I laugh. My eyes are my favorite part of my face. My mouth looks good in purply lipstick. And if I didn't know I was looking at myself, I'd think I was damn gorgeous. 

I've been rejected again. It's knocked me for a loop. Someone else was chosen over me. And it hurts. I blame me. I'm too fat. Not attractive or sexy enough. I've cried. I've yelled at him and called him a garden gnome. I've thought that my whole worth as a person is defined by the fact im not skinny. I'm trying to tell myself that there's so much more to me. And that if he doesn't want me, that's his loss. But I'm struggling. 

This face is mine. Those boobs are mine. Those chubby legs are mine. So is my mind. My personality. My heart. I will love me. I will feel beautiful. I am sexy. I may not believe all of that right at this moment, but I will...I really will...

(All photos credited to shawntae wright photography. Thank you my dear friend for letting me see me through your lens)